The Shifting Sands of Confidence
How comfortable are you in your shoes? Do you feel confident in your abilities on a daily basis? How we view our inner selves dictates our success. Do we live our lives based on who we want to be or who we think others want us to be? What image do you hold of who you are?
It can be a complicated matter if we are perpetually trying to live up to other people’s standards. In a multitude of conversations with others, I have learned that many people do just that. The reasons are many, fear of judgment, fear of confrontation, feeling incapable, being a peacekeeper for the greater good to name a few. Many of these behaviours stem from our early life experiences.
Confidence can be fluid, depending on the situation, one’s knowledge, how we perceive our audience, of one or many. Personally, I have had moments where I feel completely comfortable in my skin, even when I have been the one in the spotlight. There have been other times when I have been merely present in a crowd whereby all measures, I am barely noticed, yet feel so uncomfortable that I have left. What I know on an intellectual level is that my feelings have zero to do with how anyone perceives me but rather how I think they perceive me. It has everything to do with how I perceive myself, the stories that I have made up. I feel frustrated with this realization, how can I ‘know’ this yet have so little control over it at times.
The above of course is all about me and I appreciate that your experience will be different. Although, I wonder how much different? I have participated in personal growth off and on for years albeit more this past year. A specific course that comes to mind was comprised mostly of women however even the few men shared similar feelings. That is, we all feel vulnerable at times, vulnerable enough to stop us from being ourselves. Although I have my own personal experience, it has become clear that many women and men endure the same fate. A lack of confidence plays out in various ways, it can look like bravado, aggression, superiority or completely the opposite, inferiority. Regardless of how it shows up, it is fear-based behavior.
Now, what can we do about it? Do we just shift our mindset, do we modify our physical appearance and or do we learn more and more so that we feel that we are ‘smart’? One book that has provided insight into this, is Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz, published in 1960. Maxwell Maltz was a plastic surgeon and observed that many of his patients gained confidence after having surgery because of improvements in their physical appearance. However, some patients showed no significant changes in behaviour, there was no improvement of confidence. This developed a curiosity in Mr. Maltz, which led him down a path of discovery that if a deep-seated belief, deeper than anything physical, all the plastic surgery in the world would not help. In his research, strategies such as imagination, the power of rational thinking, what makes up the ‘success-type’ personality, removing emotional scars among others turned many individuals to become who they really wanted to be. As John Grant, CEO of Life In Balance states, “where the will and belief are not in alignment, the belief will win every time”. The good news…we do not have to keep functioning with a set of negative beliefs, beyond any doubt, science has proven that we have the capability to learn new positive beliefs and transform our lives.
Here are a few questions to consider when checking in with your level of self-confidence:
1. Do I extend myself in situations beyond my norm, my comfort zone?
2. Do I compare myself to others then often think that I am somehow less than them?
3. Do I feel like I will fail if I try something new? Do I decide that I am not capable and don’t even try?
If so, consider the following:
1. Pick something to do that stretches your feeling of comfort, it doesn’t have to be really big, however, make it something that you likely wouldn’t attempt without much consideration.
2. Imagine (full out imagine, visualize and feel) that the person who you have told yourself, is somehow better than you (i.e. capable, smart, confident), has doubts and fears too. Regardless of their outward behaviour, the odds are high that they do.
3. View failure as learning and opportunity. You did when you were young, if you hadn’t you wouldn’t be able to walk because after the failure of that first fall, you wouldn’t have tried again.
Honour your humanness. Be kind to yourself.