Who Are You?
Where do you live from? Is it from the outside-in (extrinsic) or the inside-out (intrinsic)? In other words, do you think, feel and act because of external factors or do you honour your authentic self?
There are reasons why we live from the outside-in, often from a young age and or possibly impactful event(s), we were somehow berated for being ourselves. If we are someone who feel emotions strongly, we quickly learn to behave in a way that is ‘acceptable’ to others and quickly abandon our essence. It is natural that we want to be liked and so we learn to become people pleasers. The futility in that is two-fold, first off, not everyone will like you no matter you what you do and second, always trying to please others is exhausting. It causes altered thinking and self-doubt; thoughts like “Maybe I shouldn’t have said that”, “I wonder if they think I’m…” and on it goes. This type of thinking leads to second-guessing oneself, losing confidence, indecision, being unnecessarily apologetic, it can be the reason for passive-aggressive behaviour, the list goes on. The behaviour of pleasing others is reinforced through feedback like ‘you are…so nice, supportive, a good listener, such a caring person, and who doesn’t like that? However, it is when you don’t need to hear it from others because you know those things as true, from within.
The second contributing factor of living from the outside-in has to do with feeling judged. When there is a feeling of not being accepted for who we really are, there is a tendency to believe that we are not worthy. When that belief is internalized, it becomes entrenched in your subconscious mind.
Changing a strong core belief is challenging, self-doubt and fear will creep in, that is a familiar physiological response to keep us safe. However, becoming our authentic self is not an actual threat, and please make a note of this good news, thanks to brain and mind research, i.e., neuroplasticity, it is ‘never-too-late’ to change those deep-seated beliefs.
From a personal note, when my awareness was on the rise and I started to wonder how to trust who I am, I wrestled with the fact that I didn’t want to stop being a caring person. The saying “It’s none of my business what someone else thinks of me”, felt like a cold and selfish statement, it initially felt disrespectful, however, the truth is that I disrespect myself when I concern myself with what others think of me. I needed to reconcile that I could still care while living from the inside-out, a value that is important to me. Achieving this is a priority for me, a bucket list item in fact. The reality is that I am a person who cares, and my core value is love so I can trust that I won’t stray from those values. I now let more of me out without concerning myself of what others think.
Take some time and ponder those amazing times that you have been in tune with your authentic self. Those magical moments when you have been in the company of people who you have felt accepted by. Those moments that you let your guard down because you don’t feel the need to expend energy on questioning or protecting yourself. It is those moments that are the most exciting, the most peaceful, the most productive and successful. You will blossom and expand exponentially. Life offers us variety and contrast, and in living your authentic self, when you feel challenged by someone’s undesirable behavior, remind yourself to respect you first, then you can respect them and understand that their unwanted words or innuendos are not about you at all.
Begin by raising your awareness on learning who you really are. Interact with others, do your very best to listen to their feelings and words. Decide how you want to show up, speak up and serve those around you. Belief in yourself is essential. When you start, break a goal into small steps, observe those who are authentic because you can be that too, give yourself praise and accept it from those around you and do what you can to manage any negative emotions. It is simple in concept albeit not necessarily easy. If you are stuck, reach out for support and to learn what you need to do. Most importantly, be kind to yourself.
“It is never too late to be what you might have been” ~ George Eliot